No matter how hard we try, we cant resist praising or admonishing a child with good and bad behaviour respectively. But research shows and so does common sense dictate that its not the right thing to do as responsible parents.
I consciously try not to scold a child who misbehaves and avoid giving praise even if the child looks at me with expectant eyes. Its difficult but possible.
So what are the ill-effects of praising children too often and too much? First is they will always expect it even for the smallest struggle overcome and second is they will be fearful to attempt new things because they might be unsure if they will satisfy us enough to give them the praise they crave for.
Then what do we do instead?
1. Be specific - Instead of saying "good job" or "well done", try and describe what happened. For example if your child finished her meal without a fuss, say "You finished your food! Will you have some more?"
2. Respect the child - When a child is being kind or loving or simply brave, we should simply resist saying "aww so cute". These exaggerated expressions from us distract the child from what he is doing and make the genuine act into a play for us to admire.
3. Your child is not a trophy - As much as we enjoy our babies accomplishments, its best if we just enjoy than show it to everyone. Children derive the most happiness out of their accomplishments and its only going to make them feel demeaned if we ask them to prove it.
4. Set Rules - Always set rules for everything. When children have limits, they feel secure. When they know which boundaries they've crossed, they are able to understand how not to cross them the next time. For example, it would be nice to let your child know before you leave a place that you will be leaving in a while rather than just tell your child to leave with you immediately. The child will resist and you will wonder why your child isnt happy inspite of playing for such a long time.
5. Never spank a child - Spare the rod and spoil the child is a saying best spared. Spanking creates distrust and encourages violent behaviour. The child will not learn not to do the misbehaviour, but only learn to hide it. Its way too difficult to remain calm when our child has crossed all our limits but who said it should be easy? Havent we done much more difficult tasks without using aggression?
6. Its okay to cry - When we set rules and limits, children might have a problem with them and will express their displeasure by crying. The child needs to express his feeling whatever it is, and our job is to reassure and understand the child rather than ask him to stop expressing. We can say "I know you wanted to play, but I have to cook dinner and you and I are both hungry".
7. Consequences instead of time-outs - Time out if not equally violent are comparable to spanking because of the force we need to make our child go to a corner and stand or sit quietly. If a child breaks a toy, she cant have another one, if she spills her milk on purpose, she needs to mop it up, if she eats all the goodies at once, she wont have more for a long time and so on.
8. Dont hold grudges and act calmly - Children dont misbehave because they like misbehaving. They misbehave because they wish to communicate something and are unable to do so in the ways they know of. When a child acts out of temper, he looks to us to be his anchor and calm him. If we lose our temper too it wont do either one of us any good.
We cant keep our children happy all the time but we can help them keep themselves at peace at most times. The most honest parenting is the best parenting because life is as it is and we need our children to be prepared for everything it has to offer, good and bad, sad and happy.
I consciously try not to scold a child who misbehaves and avoid giving praise even if the child looks at me with expectant eyes. Its difficult but possible.
So what are the ill-effects of praising children too often and too much? First is they will always expect it even for the smallest struggle overcome and second is they will be fearful to attempt new things because they might be unsure if they will satisfy us enough to give them the praise they crave for.
Then what do we do instead?
1. Be specific - Instead of saying "good job" or "well done", try and describe what happened. For example if your child finished her meal without a fuss, say "You finished your food! Will you have some more?"
2. Respect the child - When a child is being kind or loving or simply brave, we should simply resist saying "aww so cute". These exaggerated expressions from us distract the child from what he is doing and make the genuine act into a play for us to admire.
3. Your child is not a trophy - As much as we enjoy our babies accomplishments, its best if we just enjoy than show it to everyone. Children derive the most happiness out of their accomplishments and its only going to make them feel demeaned if we ask them to prove it.
4. Set Rules - Always set rules for everything. When children have limits, they feel secure. When they know which boundaries they've crossed, they are able to understand how not to cross them the next time. For example, it would be nice to let your child know before you leave a place that you will be leaving in a while rather than just tell your child to leave with you immediately. The child will resist and you will wonder why your child isnt happy inspite of playing for such a long time.
5. Never spank a child - Spare the rod and spoil the child is a saying best spared. Spanking creates distrust and encourages violent behaviour. The child will not learn not to do the misbehaviour, but only learn to hide it. Its way too difficult to remain calm when our child has crossed all our limits but who said it should be easy? Havent we done much more difficult tasks without using aggression?
6. Its okay to cry - When we set rules and limits, children might have a problem with them and will express their displeasure by crying. The child needs to express his feeling whatever it is, and our job is to reassure and understand the child rather than ask him to stop expressing. We can say "I know you wanted to play, but I have to cook dinner and you and I are both hungry".
7. Consequences instead of time-outs - Time out if not equally violent are comparable to spanking because of the force we need to make our child go to a corner and stand or sit quietly. If a child breaks a toy, she cant have another one, if she spills her milk on purpose, she needs to mop it up, if she eats all the goodies at once, she wont have more for a long time and so on.
8. Dont hold grudges and act calmly - Children dont misbehave because they like misbehaving. They misbehave because they wish to communicate something and are unable to do so in the ways they know of. When a child acts out of temper, he looks to us to be his anchor and calm him. If we lose our temper too it wont do either one of us any good.
We cant keep our children happy all the time but we can help them keep themselves at peace at most times. The most honest parenting is the best parenting because life is as it is and we need our children to be prepared for everything it has to offer, good and bad, sad and happy.
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