Neither carrot nor stick, but respect and patience does the trick

No matter how hard we try, we cant resist praising or admonishing a child with good and bad behaviour respectively. But research shows and so does common sense dictate that its not the right thing to do as responsible parents.
I consciously try not to scold a child who misbehaves and avoid giving praise even if the child looks at me with expectant eyes. Its difficult but possible.

So what are the ill-effects of praising children too often and too much? First is they will always expect it even for the smallest struggle overcome and second is they will be fearful to attempt new things because they might be unsure if they will satisfy us enough to give them the praise they crave for.
Then what do we do instead?

1. Be specific - Instead of saying "good job" or "well done", try and describe what happened. For example if your child finished her meal without a fuss, say "You finished your food! Will you have some more?"

2. Respect the child - When a child is being kind or loving or simply brave, we should simply resist saying "aww so cute". These exaggerated expressions from us distract the child from what he is doing and make the genuine act into a play for us to admire.

3. Your child is not a trophy - As much as we enjoy our babies accomplishments, its best if we just enjoy than show it to everyone. Children derive the most happiness out of their accomplishments and its only going to make them feel demeaned if we ask them to prove it.

4. Set Rules - Always set rules for everything. When children have limits, they feel secure. When they know which boundaries they've crossed, they are able to understand how not to cross them the next time. For example, it would be nice to let your child know before you leave a place that you will be leaving in a while rather than just tell your child to leave with you immediately. The child will resist and you will wonder why your child isnt happy inspite of playing for such a long time.

5. Never spank a child - Spare the rod and spoil the child is a saying best spared. Spanking creates distrust and encourages violent behaviour. The child will not learn not to do the misbehaviour, but only learn to hide it. Its way too difficult to remain calm when our child has crossed all our limits but who said it should be easy? Havent we done much more difficult tasks without using aggression?

6. Its okay to cry - When we set rules and limits, children might have a problem with them and will express their displeasure by crying. The child needs to express his feeling whatever it is, and our job is to reassure and understand the child rather than ask him to stop expressing. We can say "I know you wanted to play, but I have to cook dinner and you and I are both hungry".

7. Consequences instead of time-outs - Time out if not equally violent are comparable to spanking because of the force we need to make our child go to a corner and stand or sit quietly. If a child breaks a toy, she cant have another one, if she spills her milk on purpose, she needs to mop it up, if she eats all the goodies at once, she wont have more for a long time and so on.

8. Dont hold grudges and act calmly - Children dont misbehave because they like misbehaving. They misbehave because they wish to communicate something and are unable to do so in the ways they know of. When a child acts out of temper, he looks to us to be his anchor and calm him. If we lose our temper too it wont do either one of us any good.

We cant keep our children happy all the time but we can help them keep themselves at peace at most times.  The most honest parenting is the best parenting because life is as it is and we need our children to be prepared for everything it has to offer, good and bad, sad and happy.

Focus - Uninterrupted

Most parents these days say that their child is unable to concentrate on one thing for more than a few seconds. No sooner is  one toy explored, than the child moves on to the next and easily gets bored by it too.

Hence, I have decided to post the steps we can take to increase our children's attention span and foster patience in them.

1. Less stimulation and entertainment - Children naturally want to explore the environment they are in and if we start entertaining them often, they will get into a habit of expecting the entertainment than to naturally engage themselves in their surroundings. Continuous stimulation leads to a hyper-active child and an exhausted parent. Children are curious about every small thing around them and they assimilate, every sight, sound, smell and simple stuff that we adults take for granted.

2. Minimal TV, videos or apps - Tv and all media over-stimulate our children. They overwhelm them and instead of encouraging children to actively focus, they drastically reduce the developing attention span. For an in-depth understanding of how media affects our children, I suggest reading the following book Endangered Minds: Why Children Don't Think And What We Can Do About It.

3. A no "No" place - For children to be occupied for long periods of time, there should be a place in the house where we dont restrict them from touching and exploring things. It might be difficult to let the child roam freely in a kitchen or near a bathroom, so having a child's area in the bedroom or living room, will help the child relax and he will be happy to explore with no adult saying "No!" to anything that he does.

4. Simple and beautiful toys - There is beauty in simplicity. This we all know. Children are easily distracted by flashy colours and get tired of such toys very quickly. They are over-stimulated by objects they cannot comprehend like battery operated, noise making toys. These toys grab the child's attention rather than allowing them to actively focus just like TV does. Instead of these, we can give them simple working objects like bottles, boxes which serve a purpose and involve an active attention from the child.

5. Observe but dont interrupt - Children are not hungry for attention, the way we normally think is the case. They would rather be left uninterrupted than be explained how an object works. So sit back and wait until the child makes eye-contact and asks us to help or show something. If we observe children working we will soon realise what awes them and how we can develop that particular interest in them. When we interrupt children we discourage them from concentrating for long periods of time.

6. No distractions - Its very common among caregivers to distract the child so that he eats/drinks/changes his clothes. When we do that, we get the job done but we also hinder their growing attention span. Eating and changing are not unpleasant and boring activities. They are very interesting to the child and if given enough time and allowance, they can enjoy and do these activities all by themselves. If we dont involve the child in the activity of which he is the main part, how can we expect to him to develop a healthy attention span?

The ability to focus goes a long way in life. It is an essential factor for creative, academic and athletic achievement. People who can pay attention make the best of friends, spouses and parents and have healthy relationships.
So when you want to play with your child the next time tiptoe in and check before you interrupt his chain of thought!