I want more please

Recently came across an article on developing healthy eating habits in children and somehow I disagreed with this author almost completely.

While setting rules and limits and expecting children to follow them is good, being unrelenting and unsympathetic to your child undermines her development.
Children like us have tastes. They also like or dislike something that they eat. When we rarely eat something we don't like at all, why do we expect our children to eat whatever is offered?

I've always been a bit lax with making my son eat what is good for him. I try my best but if he says no, I let it be. I am worried he will dislike the process of eating and hence have always offered him food he likes even if its so repetitive that i feel ashamed of my culinary skills :D
Another practice I try to do is to ask him if he'd like to eat food (telling him whats for food too) at least 10 minutes before I plan to offer him the food. This prepares him and sometimes makes him look forward to eating when he is hungry.

One fine day, he finished his rice all by himself with no prodding or help, I gave a pat on my back and decided that though my child might not be the healthiest in town (well, what is breast-milk for?), he is a happy child and isn't averse to eating food and many a times enjoys it.

(Photo courtesy - freedigitalphotos.net)

Race to nowhere

Recently while talking to a friend I realised about a pressing issue with children namely racing to be the first.
When our children are young, they want to understand the world around them and hence take a long time to do any task. We are almost always in a hurry and never stop to think how will it impact our child later.
For example we want a child to wear his shoes quickly, we race with him saying "who will be first?" The child thinks its cool to be first and hence wears his shoes quickly and our problem is solved and both of us are happy and cool.
Now this happens repeatedly and the message that being first is cool gets well ingrained in our child's head and sometimes becomes an obsession. Do we really want that? Was that what we intended when we raced the first time?
So what should we do? I think, we should ourselves slow down and let our child do his work at his own pace. When we need to go out, always keep a window of half an hour  or more before leaving just to make sure your child gets to do all that he wants at his own speed. This helps in so many ways. The child learns to be independent, doesnt feel the pressure and is less stressed and happy. In the long term, we see our child not competing with anyone and not racing to nowhere! So you might ask, whats wrong with competition? Well I'll save that for a future post or you could watch the movie :)

Okay? Okay!

Okay! So todays post is about the  overused word "Okay"

Yes, its very true. I am finding it really tough even typing this without using the the word :)

When we tell children what we want them to do, and then add an "Okay?" at then end, what are we intending? Well, in my case I think I intend to end the sentence and expect my child to obey me. But does it work? No! in most cases it doesnt. The reason is simple. When we end a sentence with a question mark tone and an "okay" we are seeking permission from the child and giving him a chance to negotiate. When the child negotiates, we get furious. We think we've been really clear about what he was required to do.

So from today onwards or maybe the next minute onwards, I pledge to stop using an "Okay?" after an instruction I want my child to follow without negotiation. Okay? :)

Children are people too!

Discipline! I'm sure no parent goes through parenthood without ever listening to this term. Yet it is an overused and misunderstood word for children.
Discipline is not something which needs to be taught to children, discipline is what comes to them naturally if allowed to develop in its own course of time with a supportive environment.

Children feel happy and cooperative when they trust that the adult will respond kindly and in time. They feel safe when adults set clear consistent limits, when these limits dont change and when they are given options of what they can do rather than stopping them from doing something.

So what are the circumstances where children feel upset, angry or frustrated?

1. When forced to share - Children are egocentric by nature. Before they reach the age of 5 or 6, they cant see things from another person's point of view, which means that they dont feel empathy and when we force them to share, they feel helpless and angry.

2. When asked not to touch - Every child is curious about the world around them. They feel a strong urge to touch feel and explore objects in their vicinity. If you take your child to the playground and stop her from touching anything saying its dirty, she is bound to be frustrated.

3. When movement is restricted - Children dont like to sit in prams or under seat belts for long periods of time. They, like us want freedom to move. How many of us hate wearing a seat belt and just itch to take it off once the taxi stops. Then imagine how a child might feel when he/she is kept in a pram or a high chair for long periods of time.

4. When expectations aren't met - We all have expectations and its more true for children. Sometimes unknowingly we set a routine for our child and suddenly stop it when we are tired or bored. But the child cannot tune in to our moods and feels betrayal and anger when his expectation is not met.

Now lets discuss what we can do when our child just cant behave herself.

1. When your child get's angry, dont calm her but calm yourself. Stay connected and acknowledge the reason your child is upset. "Oh! you're angry because you wanted the other child's bicycle!"

2. Let the child release all feelings and do not hurry to shush her.

3. Never take misbehaviour personally. Your child needs you to understand her and not judge her.

4. Do not withdraw your love when your child misbehaves. Thats when they need it the most. Love isn't about giving in to what your child asks for at all times. Its about being there even if you cant.

5. Last but not the least, do not use distraction to make your child forget what she feels. Imagine you are upset about an issue and someone uses a distraction to divert you, would you feel good about it?

Sometimes in spite of our best efforts, children do misbehave when we least expect it. At those times, we must trust ourselves more and remain calm and understanding. Having a high level of awareness of what triggers our anger and temper, understanding how it thwarts the emotional well-being of our children will undoubtedly make a big difference. We can't be perfect at all times but thats alright because we will always be trying.

I want to be free

What does one mean by freedom? If we say we need to set our child free and then tell them they need to follow rules, does it seem contradictory? It may seem so but then its not. Montessori says we need to give children freedom within limits. These limits need to be defined clearly and firmly.

Think of a place like Singapore where there are strict rules on the road. When you cross a road, are you stressed? Now think of a place like Mumbai. How stressed are you while walking on the road?
Both the cities are free cities yet you feel calmer and least stressed in Singapore.

Now think of two shops. One where you can bargain and one where you cant. When you go to buy something from both, in which shop will you feel less stress? You might come out happier in either one but then the experience was least stressful in the fixed price shop.

Thats how rules work with children. When we set limits, they know what to expect and they feel secure if the limits cant be broken. They test the limits occasionally because thats how they make sure of whats possible and right. Limits also help children deal with conflict. If two children want an object, the rule of first come first served works and the child is able to wait for her turn.

So how do we set rules and limits?

1. Be clear of what you'd like to give your child and then state the rules for that privilege.
2. State the rule clearly in least possible words.
3. Honor feelings. Feelings aren't right or wrong. They are just there.
4. Never use blame or guilt. If rules are not followed, let the consequences be as planned or natural.
5. Stick to the rules, come what may.
6. Be consistent.

When you first start setting limits, be prepared for maximum resistance and major tantrums. But once the rules are set and followed through, be rest assured, you are going to have a smooth and successful journey ahead.

Neither carrot nor stick, but respect and patience does the trick

No matter how hard we try, we cant resist praising or admonishing a child with good and bad behaviour respectively. But research shows and so does common sense dictate that its not the right thing to do as responsible parents.
I consciously try not to scold a child who misbehaves and avoid giving praise even if the child looks at me with expectant eyes. Its difficult but possible.

So what are the ill-effects of praising children too often and too much? First is they will always expect it even for the smallest struggle overcome and second is they will be fearful to attempt new things because they might be unsure if they will satisfy us enough to give them the praise they crave for.
Then what do we do instead?

1. Be specific - Instead of saying "good job" or "well done", try and describe what happened. For example if your child finished her meal without a fuss, say "You finished your food! Will you have some more?"

2. Respect the child - When a child is being kind or loving or simply brave, we should simply resist saying "aww so cute". These exaggerated expressions from us distract the child from what he is doing and make the genuine act into a play for us to admire.

3. Your child is not a trophy - As much as we enjoy our babies accomplishments, its best if we just enjoy than show it to everyone. Children derive the most happiness out of their accomplishments and its only going to make them feel demeaned if we ask them to prove it.

4. Set Rules - Always set rules for everything. When children have limits, they feel secure. When they know which boundaries they've crossed, they are able to understand how not to cross them the next time. For example, it would be nice to let your child know before you leave a place that you will be leaving in a while rather than just tell your child to leave with you immediately. The child will resist and you will wonder why your child isnt happy inspite of playing for such a long time.

5. Never spank a child - Spare the rod and spoil the child is a saying best spared. Spanking creates distrust and encourages violent behaviour. The child will not learn not to do the misbehaviour, but only learn to hide it. Its way too difficult to remain calm when our child has crossed all our limits but who said it should be easy? Havent we done much more difficult tasks without using aggression?

6. Its okay to cry - When we set rules and limits, children might have a problem with them and will express their displeasure by crying. The child needs to express his feeling whatever it is, and our job is to reassure and understand the child rather than ask him to stop expressing. We can say "I know you wanted to play, but I have to cook dinner and you and I are both hungry".

7. Consequences instead of time-outs - Time out if not equally violent are comparable to spanking because of the force we need to make our child go to a corner and stand or sit quietly. If a child breaks a toy, she cant have another one, if she spills her milk on purpose, she needs to mop it up, if she eats all the goodies at once, she wont have more for a long time and so on.

8. Dont hold grudges and act calmly - Children dont misbehave because they like misbehaving. They misbehave because they wish to communicate something and are unable to do so in the ways they know of. When a child acts out of temper, he looks to us to be his anchor and calm him. If we lose our temper too it wont do either one of us any good.

We cant keep our children happy all the time but we can help them keep themselves at peace at most times.  The most honest parenting is the best parenting because life is as it is and we need our children to be prepared for everything it has to offer, good and bad, sad and happy.

Focus - Uninterrupted

Most parents these days say that their child is unable to concentrate on one thing for more than a few seconds. No sooner is  one toy explored, than the child moves on to the next and easily gets bored by it too.

Hence, I have decided to post the steps we can take to increase our children's attention span and foster patience in them.

1. Less stimulation and entertainment - Children naturally want to explore the environment they are in and if we start entertaining them often, they will get into a habit of expecting the entertainment than to naturally engage themselves in their surroundings. Continuous stimulation leads to a hyper-active child and an exhausted parent. Children are curious about every small thing around them and they assimilate, every sight, sound, smell and simple stuff that we adults take for granted.

2. Minimal TV, videos or apps - Tv and all media over-stimulate our children. They overwhelm them and instead of encouraging children to actively focus, they drastically reduce the developing attention span. For an in-depth understanding of how media affects our children, I suggest reading the following book Endangered Minds: Why Children Don't Think And What We Can Do About It.

3. A no "No" place - For children to be occupied for long periods of time, there should be a place in the house where we dont restrict them from touching and exploring things. It might be difficult to let the child roam freely in a kitchen or near a bathroom, so having a child's area in the bedroom or living room, will help the child relax and he will be happy to explore with no adult saying "No!" to anything that he does.

4. Simple and beautiful toys - There is beauty in simplicity. This we all know. Children are easily distracted by flashy colours and get tired of such toys very quickly. They are over-stimulated by objects they cannot comprehend like battery operated, noise making toys. These toys grab the child's attention rather than allowing them to actively focus just like TV does. Instead of these, we can give them simple working objects like bottles, boxes which serve a purpose and involve an active attention from the child.

5. Observe but dont interrupt - Children are not hungry for attention, the way we normally think is the case. They would rather be left uninterrupted than be explained how an object works. So sit back and wait until the child makes eye-contact and asks us to help or show something. If we observe children working we will soon realise what awes them and how we can develop that particular interest in them. When we interrupt children we discourage them from concentrating for long periods of time.

6. No distractions - Its very common among caregivers to distract the child so that he eats/drinks/changes his clothes. When we do that, we get the job done but we also hinder their growing attention span. Eating and changing are not unpleasant and boring activities. They are very interesting to the child and if given enough time and allowance, they can enjoy and do these activities all by themselves. If we dont involve the child in the activity of which he is the main part, how can we expect to him to develop a healthy attention span?

The ability to focus goes a long way in life. It is an essential factor for creative, academic and athletic achievement. People who can pay attention make the best of friends, spouses and parents and have healthy relationships.
So when you want to play with your child the next time tiptoe in and check before you interrupt his chain of thought!